Another one so soon? I nearly ran out of snark while writing up the People’s Choice Awards. Kidding. The chances of my running out of snark are slim to none. I’m sure by now you know the deal, so let’s begin. Lots more photos and judgments after the jump.
Fuck
January Jones
If your temperature doesn’t rise upon seeing her, you are the walking undead. And I’m coming to put you out of your misery, double-tap to the brain stem. Anyway, she looks super sexy and her classy makeup and subdued hairstyle keep the dress from veering into slutty. And I have to say it- she has great boobs!
Shaun Robinson
Sparkly is good. Especially when fits well and has a train that’s just the right length. One-shoulder/sleeved dresses aren’t usually a hit for me, but she looks lovely.
Claire Danes
How old is she? I feel like she looks a lot older than she actually is (or should look). Regardless, I am a HUGE Calvin Klein fan. When you’re wearing the simplest of dresses, it better fit perfectly. And it does. fit. perfectly. I’m reminded of Gwyneth Paltrow’s pink Oscar’s dress that was loose in the chest and how badly it fit. Here’s an example of a loose fit up top that doesn’t look sloppy at all.
Marry
Leighton Meester
Usually she gets it so right or so wrong. To me, this is romantic and soft and subtle. I can see how some would call it too old-fashioned or boring. But… they’re wrong. So very wrong. Also, she usually goes so overboard with her makeup! Tonight she got it just right.
Emma Stone
She almost ended up on my Kill list because of her tan. But the open back (which I haven’t seen too many pictures of) pushed me over the edge. Like Claire Danes, she’s in Calvin Klein and it fits perfectly. The color is a serious gamble but it’s really beautiful on her.
Sandra Bullock
I never thought she’d end up on my Marry list. In fact, I find her so annoying that it’d be a very short marriage. But she looks so damn cute! The heavy bangs and gritty eyeliner is a great contrast to her pretty, sparkly dress. In fact, if she’d worn light makeup and “done” hair, I would have passed her by completely. But the roughness makes her stand out.
Kill
Julia Stiles
It’s too much dress for you, girl. You’re tiny. And boring. In fact, I’m getting bored writing about you. zzz….
Halle Berry
So very wrong. It looks like she put on her fancy, spanx-like underwear, threw a thin curtain around her hips, and congratulated herself for being so hot. Don’t get me wrong- if I looked like Halle, I would often buy myself balloons and roses to celebrate the fact that I’m one of the most amazing looking women on earth. But this just looks skanky. I’d expect a Kardashian to wear this on the red carpet. And that’s the ultimate insult!
Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know who are. Based on this outfit, I’m going to assume you’re a flamenco dancer who dropped by before heading to a funeral.
So, the internet is all atwitter about Lea Michele, Olivia Wilde, and Michelle Williams, and they’re getting a lot of hate for their dresses. While they didn’t make my FMK list, I still think they look lovely. Helena Bonham Carter gets a pass, because well, she’s Helena Bonham Carter. Scarlett Johanssen’s hair is hilarious. Also, high-larious. Get it? Because it’s absurdly large and tall. And Natalie Portman looks completely disappointing! So spill, what do you think?
