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Where My Spinsters At?

A few nights ago, I arrived home to find my parents snuggled up in bed together. Aww cute. Then I went to my bedroom and found my two cats, also snuggled together. It hit me – I’m the fifth wheel in MY OWN HOME. So if you’re like me and spending Valentine’s Day alone when seemingly every other person mammal on earth is coupled up, here’s a guide on how to handle it.

 

Buy shit. Specifically shit that is not pink, red, romantic, or flirty whatsoever.

How about some jewelry as black as your withered heart?

jewelry

1. Charles Albert

2. Rebecca Minkoff

3. Iosselliani

4. Dinosaur Toes via Etsy

5. Crystal Ship Creations via Etsy

6. Not One Sparrow via Etsy

 

 

clothes

1.  Funktional; way cooler than any button-down you could borrow from a man-friend.

2. Topshop; this would be great to throw on when you roll out of bed at 2pm on a Sunday because you didn’t have to get up early and cook a fancy brunch for your boyfriend’s parents. Accessorize with a beer and plateful of bacon.

3. Dolce Vita; feminine in a “grandmother’s handkerchief or tablecloth” kind of way.

4. Topshop; yes, it’s a basic black sweatshirt. But in really cool neoprene fabric. It’ll leave men befuddled, trust me.

 

 

 

A classic red or pale pink nail is a perfect Valentine’s Day manicure. Say fuck it and try one of these instead.

nails

1. Grungy black via Pinterest

2. Grumpy cat (via Spektor’s Nails) is the single girl’s spirit animal.

3.  Faded and chipped blue via Pinterest

 

 

 

Skip the overpriced, crowded restaurants and treat yourself to a meal perfect for somebody who won’t need fresh-smelling breath at the end of the night.

dinner

1. Rosemary Garlic Steak via The Steamy Kitchen

2. 40 Cloves of Garlic Soup via Kitchen Treaty

3. Linguine with Arugula, Garlic & Parmesan via Gimme Some Oven

4. White Pizza Grilled Cheese via Kitchen Treaty

 

For dessert, eat these. These are the best caramels I’ve ever eaten in my life. Seriously. If you want to emulate me, say you’ll only eat 2 or 3 and then eat half the bag in one sitting and wait for the caramel sugar coma to sink in.

11_BequetCaramel72

 

 

 

Now…for some entertainment. Don’t worry there are no star-crossed lovers or Nicholas Sparks crap here.

movies

Who has time to worry about things like relationships and love when you’re got a full-time heroin addiction to nurture? Trainspotting is one of my favorite movies ever – the sharp humor, bleak story line, wicked soundtrack, and unexpected happy (?) ending can’t be beat. Also, full frontal Ewan McGregor. Just because I’m anti Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean I’m frigid, people.

If you like your movies with a bit more bite…how about Teeth? Not for the squeamish, and definitely not man-friendly, this movie might actually leave you frigid for a little while.

 
 
 

There you go. I am confident that if you follow my careful instructions you will have a kickass Valentine’s Day despite the fact that you’re alone. All alone. Forever and ever and ever.

Oh, and if anyone brings up Valentine’s Day around you, follow my lead:

me

{ 8 comments… add one }

  • Samantha Chu Ramage February 11, 2013, 8:53 pm

    you are amazing!!! i will lend you talula and you can cuddle with her for valentine’s day! i am obsessed with those garlic recipes (nick no longer smells it on me! Ha!) and those caramels are too good.

    happy love day, my anti-loving love!

    xo
    sami

  • Joanna Dorfman February 12, 2013, 1:07 am

    Welll…after reading these suggestions is it ok to ditch my boyfriend and go with your plans instead? Or maybe I could force him to watch Teeth. I’m guessing if I did that then I’d be single for real.

  • Haley Hemen February 12, 2013, 10:07 am

    i love everything about this post. you are my new spirit guide.

  • Nomadic D. February 12, 2013, 11:03 am

    Hilarious. I’m a happily married woman, totally in love with my husband and everything, but even so, all the valentine’s mania kind of gets to me. Pink&red overdose. Love your ideas. And that lace tank and the neoprene sweatshirt? Going on my wishlist immediately! Thanks for stopping by and commenting

    http://www.nomadicd.com

  • holleighz February 12, 2013, 11:58 am

    Perfect. Although I would totally wear those Iosselliani earrings and grungy black manicure on my Valentines date…

  • Lauren February 17, 2013, 7:51 pm

    This post is hilarious! You are one smart girl to not celebrate v-day and get all mopey!! Retail and movie therapy works for me, too!!

    (=’.’=)

    Lauren at adorn la femme

  • Noelani@MonPetitChouChou February 21, 2013, 6:05 pm

    Love it all. Especially all the garlic themed meals. Though I gave up caring what the Mr. thought of my breath ages ago, but perhaps that is not a good thing?

  • Marissa February 22, 2013, 2:20 pm

    Truth – those caramels were freaking amazing! Also, this is my favorite Valentine’s Day post ever. And I want a grumpy cat manicure.

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